QUESTION: Can you find my Sanity?

DAY 31

Now, for those who don't know me (and for those who do I'll re-interate), I'm attending training to be an air traffic controller at NCTI (pronounced NicTee).

I've been here for a whole month and a day now, and losing my sanity with every hour that passes. Why, you ask? Well, I'll put one of the most popular pieces of literature for reference, the Bible. Now, read the Bible, once, now read it again, and then again, and then recite every quote, every psalm, every reference to Luke 1:15 or whatever.

That is what I am doing. That is what I will have to do by the end of 6 months (5 months left). But my version of the Bible is called MANOPS. That is the ATC's (air traffic controller) bible. I eat, sleep, breathe, think, and everything else MANOPS. It is survival.

Now I'm not alone in this quest for knowledge, 15 other people in my class, plus countless more in other classes, have come across the fork in the road with 2 paths. Only a few of us have chanced upon the Psycho Path.

With more information coming at me, which I must make room for, creates less room for sanity. And so goes my downward spiral away from reality, and into a simulation, a world full of fake airplanes with no passengers, policies, procedures, vectoring, coffee, cigarettes, and other stuff dictated to me by my bible, my world, my MANOPS.

Lack of sleep, nightmares about myself and others being CT'ed (course terminated/failure), too much coffee and cigarettes, close quarters with the same people, cabin fever, no circulation and little sunlight in these dimly lit rooms... no wonder there's a statistic out there about ATC's being alcoholics, it all starts during the training. The only time I have gotten some real deep, uninterrupted sleep is when the class goes out on Friday's and gets just shit-faced. It's only a Friday thing, but it's something I crave to do each and every night, just because when I do it, I am able to sleep more than 5 solid hours, and there are no worries about MANOPS haunting my dreams.

Troubled but aware, scared but fearless, confused yet confident, informed yet unsure, gassy (cafeteria food is killing my gut) but regular. Talk about mixed emotions.

So as i finish my 4th 20oz mug of coffee today, it is 8pm, i have 3 more hours of studying to do, but i will only be able to do an hour of it because, after that hour, i lose focus and nothing makes sense anymore. Then i sit in my bed, in my stale room, i look at my plant i bought for 5 dollars, turn on the TV, set my alarm, and try to fall asleep for 3 more hours. I often wonder to myself why this grey area is here, 3 hours I'm not using to study, 3 hours i'm not using for sleep. I just hope that it settles out into black or white area sometime soon.

Signing off, future ATC,

Curtis