The day after 31

DAY 32

I realized today, as I look at these people i live with here at NCTI, that I have only lived with them for just over a month. That being said, it feels like i have known them, alongside the staff here, all my life.

All the rough times I have shared with my family and friends, they have no clue about. All the high times i have shared with my family and friends, they have no clue about. And all the inbetween times, well, if they were not high nor low, then it's just a memory passed.

But what they do have a clue about is that we are all in the same boat, with the same goal, and with the same struggles, some more than others (myself being in that category). By being put in this essentially enclosed multi-roomed facility of learning, everyone has been quick to share who they are, because if you look at the long term of it, midaswell let it all out since if everything goes accordingly (ie passing), we will all be spending the rest of our careers together, or at least a good portion of it (like it or not. By that sharing, is where i get the feeling of having grown up with these people.


Now, my past, my present, and my future, are the people i did grow up with. They will obviously never be forgotten. I remember all those high points, and all those low points, and contrary to what i stated... i do remember most of those inbetween times. I have a good memory for that. I just wish that memory could apply to me learning these damn MANOPS. Oh well, do the best i can.

An example of those memories, i am now wearing a watch given to me by a whole lotta people.
When have i ever worn a watch? Never.

Every time i look at my watch gives me:
A) The time; and
B) Even if its small, a memory or reminder of why i'm here, and what i'm able to come back to.

Now if you're reading this before day the day 31 report, i wrote what i wrote because it was what i felt(obviously)

But this morning (the day after) i had a moment of Zen...

i looked at those people sitting with me in the classroom
i looked at my watch
i knew that i wasn't alone in this fight
it had finally really kicked in

i grinned

What a great feeling.

A quick note myself..

do laundry on tuesday, and don't eat the fish in the cafeteria.

QUESTION: Can you find my Sanity?

DAY 31

Now, for those who don't know me (and for those who do I'll re-interate), I'm attending training to be an air traffic controller at NCTI (pronounced NicTee).

I've been here for a whole month and a day now, and losing my sanity with every hour that passes. Why, you ask? Well, I'll put one of the most popular pieces of literature for reference, the Bible. Now, read the Bible, once, now read it again, and then again, and then recite every quote, every psalm, every reference to Luke 1:15 or whatever.

That is what I am doing. That is what I will have to do by the end of 6 months (5 months left). But my version of the Bible is called MANOPS. That is the ATC's (air traffic controller) bible. I eat, sleep, breathe, think, and everything else MANOPS. It is survival.

Now I'm not alone in this quest for knowledge, 15 other people in my class, plus countless more in other classes, have come across the fork in the road with 2 paths. Only a few of us have chanced upon the Psycho Path.

With more information coming at me, which I must make room for, creates less room for sanity. And so goes my downward spiral away from reality, and into a simulation, a world full of fake airplanes with no passengers, policies, procedures, vectoring, coffee, cigarettes, and other stuff dictated to me by my bible, my world, my MANOPS.

Lack of sleep, nightmares about myself and others being CT'ed (course terminated/failure), too much coffee and cigarettes, close quarters with the same people, cabin fever, no circulation and little sunlight in these dimly lit rooms... no wonder there's a statistic out there about ATC's being alcoholics, it all starts during the training. The only time I have gotten some real deep, uninterrupted sleep is when the class goes out on Friday's and gets just shit-faced. It's only a Friday thing, but it's something I crave to do each and every night, just because when I do it, I am able to sleep more than 5 solid hours, and there are no worries about MANOPS haunting my dreams.

Troubled but aware, scared but fearless, confused yet confident, informed yet unsure, gassy (cafeteria food is killing my gut) but regular. Talk about mixed emotions.

So as i finish my 4th 20oz mug of coffee today, it is 8pm, i have 3 more hours of studying to do, but i will only be able to do an hour of it because, after that hour, i lose focus and nothing makes sense anymore. Then i sit in my bed, in my stale room, i look at my plant i bought for 5 dollars, turn on the TV, set my alarm, and try to fall asleep for 3 more hours. I often wonder to myself why this grey area is here, 3 hours I'm not using to study, 3 hours i'm not using for sleep. I just hope that it settles out into black or white area sometime soon.

Signing off, future ATC,

Curtis