I'm lost, even though the star on the map says i'm here...

The End.... ?

Well, that is it folks.

The day in the life of this Air Traffic Control Student has come to an end.

Was it worth the effort? Yes.
Did i put effort into it? You better believe it.
Do i have any regrets? Definitly not.

Why would i say the whole effort was worth it, even though i walked out with no career.I've noticed a lot of mixed review on this topic. It does suck that i had to leave as soon as i did, i'll be the first to admit to that. But what doesn't suck is the fact that i met some solid people, i learned a lot about myself during that short stint, and i feel that after all of what happened, i'm able to go on and do what i want, with a lot more confidence having faced one of the greatest challenges of my life.

Now what.

Well, first things first, sleep in. Alongside that, with my window open... ahh.. bliss.

Secondly, eat some Kraft Dinner and hotdogs. Sweet.

Thirdly, find a job that suits my persona. That's the tough part. Mainly because I had convinced myself that ATC was the way to go. Shame on me. Never have i forgotten about the other possibilities out there, but this time i did.

So now what.
I'm at square one.
No career and unsure what to do.
Unsure what I want to do.
The pressure's on.

Shame on me.

The world is now my oyster. Baby boomers are retiring in the next 10 years. The whole job market is open.

So now what.

I know what i'd like to do, but this goes way beyond a career, it puts any personal agenda out of the picture.
I'd put almost anything on the line for it. Now is that worth a cause. I dunno. It all depends on the "subject" at hand. I'd hate for it to be a lost cause, but the "subject" has, and continues to put all else before itself, and this "subject" deserves the same as given out.

I just only hope it is worth the while.
Not for my sake, i have no plan right now.
I just believe in what comes around, goes around.

For all you ATC nerds out there.... IFR301 contact Charlie Bravo at 356.6 NOW.
Look it up, then look me up.

That that ends my online diary of being an ATC Student.
Stay tuned for a new post of my online diary of just being me.

Take care.

Do you know everything?

DAY BEFORE THE TEST

"As if you don't know that." Been hearing a lot of that in the past few days.

Here's a little piece, in no particular form, I will call....

Something for the know-it-alls:

I know you know .

but do you really know that

different folks have different strokes.

I get a really bad feeling when you talk

You are just so perfect

You praise yourself, you raise the bar

Puff up your ego to make you look good

but you really look like a chump.

So it takes me a little more to catch on

Yeah I'll feed your ego, tell you how good you are

but I've seen your type before,

they grow old and lonely because

noone can step up to the standards.

So use me to boost that ego

it doesn't matter to me since I have none.

but the next time I hear those words

ill tell you to save your breath,

unless you are part of the solution

why be a source of the problem.

Thought of the day

If a person feels more intelligent, do they look more intelligent?
And if they do look more intelligent, does that increase their sex appeal?

Let me know the next time you see me.

Pessimist or Optimist?

What am I classified as?

Make your own decision on that, but I feel that I am a Realist.

What brings that question up. Lately I've come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to finish this course. I believe I have the capability to finish, but I won't discredit the fact that I might not be fit to finish.

I have a drive to finish what I have started.

The only thing that could possibly/will hold me back, is the discretion of my instructors which have 25+ years experience who are set in their ways, and how things are done back at their "home" location, which is creating a lot of conflict between my instructors, and a lot of stress on the student side of things. Bullshit politics, with stubborn old men as the mediators between what they are trying to teach us, and our future.

I have 2 instructors from Montreal, 1 from Gander, and a course director from who knows where (because we never see or hear from him), and besides the 2 from Montreal, they all contradict each other, and actually fight about the "right way" to do things.

They all talk about the "right way". But I'll talk about the "Wrong Way".

That reminds me...

Let's do some study review, for my memory recall and for you to have a very, very, small taste of what I have to learn.

MANOPS 423.something
When an aircraft is at an altitude inappropriate to the direction to flight:

1. Instruct an aircraft to give position reports

2. Indicate an altitude is "Wrong Way" when:
a) Passing or receiving a control estimate
b) Giving or receiving a radar hand-off
c) Co-ordinating with the adjacent sector/unit

3. Post warning indicators by circling an altitude in red on the appropriate flight progress strip.

Well, enough with that.

The "Wrong Way" I was talking about was to let your students see the animosity between the very people in which we are basing a career on. So no matter what you are teaching us, it's not going to be the right way irregardless. So what I get out of that is why bother trying if you are going to be wrong anyways? But I still try.

All I want to do is finish.

23yr/old SWM, looking for solace. Call me at NavCanada if you have some insight.

Dream Catcher

The End of Week 5

I woke up this morning, which was good.

How I woke up, was not.

Been having these "CT Dreams" lately, and I haven't been the only one. We're calling them dreams, but in reality, they are borderline nightmares. Un-nerving, weird, and just plain annoying. Every time I've had one of these dreams I wake up feeling discouraged and annoyed with my deepest subconscious.

Are you mad that I'm bombarding you with information? Giving you the best workout you've ever had? Let's get this straight, the less sleep you let me have, the more information I'll feed you. Time to compromise.

Intermission/Topic Change (insert elevator music here)

I have a new friend who's sharing my room.

His name's Spanky.

(I suppose that sounds pretty bad but...)

He's a fish, he's red, and I really have no idea if it is a he.

I sit in my uncomfortable chair, at my desk, stare at my books for 12 hours, while he swims around contently, silently watching this human recite MANOPS to himself. Ignorance is bliss.

Feels like the both of us have some things in common. Both confined to our quarters in a fish-bowl environment which is cleaned often enough by someone else, with the same food, same sights, some exercise, seems pretty mundane after a while.

Intermission/Topic Change (more bad music here)

Now on a serious note, I've had a few comments made questioning my mental health.

DISCLAIMER:

I am sane. I am doing okay.

From all the serious studying which has never been a part of the equation of my life, I need a break, a release, to let the deepest thoughts come out, and blowing them totally out of proportion. I'm hoping by doing this, I'm getting all the ideas out of my sub-conscious, therefore deleting/attempting to prevent, my "CT Dreams."

So fear not all you out there... If I weird you out, or scare you somehow, don't take it to heart.

Take it at face value,

it's entertainment for me to write,

and hopefully the same on the other side.

The day after 31

DAY 32

I realized today, as I look at these people i live with here at NCTI, that I have only lived with them for just over a month. That being said, it feels like i have known them, alongside the staff here, all my life.

All the rough times I have shared with my family and friends, they have no clue about. All the high times i have shared with my family and friends, they have no clue about. And all the inbetween times, well, if they were not high nor low, then it's just a memory passed.

But what they do have a clue about is that we are all in the same boat, with the same goal, and with the same struggles, some more than others (myself being in that category). By being put in this essentially enclosed multi-roomed facility of learning, everyone has been quick to share who they are, because if you look at the long term of it, midaswell let it all out since if everything goes accordingly (ie passing), we will all be spending the rest of our careers together, or at least a good portion of it (like it or not. By that sharing, is where i get the feeling of having grown up with these people.


Now, my past, my present, and my future, are the people i did grow up with. They will obviously never be forgotten. I remember all those high points, and all those low points, and contrary to what i stated... i do remember most of those inbetween times. I have a good memory for that. I just wish that memory could apply to me learning these damn MANOPS. Oh well, do the best i can.

An example of those memories, i am now wearing a watch given to me by a whole lotta people.
When have i ever worn a watch? Never.

Every time i look at my watch gives me:
A) The time; and
B) Even if its small, a memory or reminder of why i'm here, and what i'm able to come back to.

Now if you're reading this before day the day 31 report, i wrote what i wrote because it was what i felt(obviously)

But this morning (the day after) i had a moment of Zen...

i looked at those people sitting with me in the classroom
i looked at my watch
i knew that i wasn't alone in this fight
it had finally really kicked in

i grinned

What a great feeling.

A quick note myself..

do laundry on tuesday, and don't eat the fish in the cafeteria.

QUESTION: Can you find my Sanity?

DAY 31

Now, for those who don't know me (and for those who do I'll re-interate), I'm attending training to be an air traffic controller at NCTI (pronounced NicTee).

I've been here for a whole month and a day now, and losing my sanity with every hour that passes. Why, you ask? Well, I'll put one of the most popular pieces of literature for reference, the Bible. Now, read the Bible, once, now read it again, and then again, and then recite every quote, every psalm, every reference to Luke 1:15 or whatever.

That is what I am doing. That is what I will have to do by the end of 6 months (5 months left). But my version of the Bible is called MANOPS. That is the ATC's (air traffic controller) bible. I eat, sleep, breathe, think, and everything else MANOPS. It is survival.

Now I'm not alone in this quest for knowledge, 15 other people in my class, plus countless more in other classes, have come across the fork in the road with 2 paths. Only a few of us have chanced upon the Psycho Path.

With more information coming at me, which I must make room for, creates less room for sanity. And so goes my downward spiral away from reality, and into a simulation, a world full of fake airplanes with no passengers, policies, procedures, vectoring, coffee, cigarettes, and other stuff dictated to me by my bible, my world, my MANOPS.

Lack of sleep, nightmares about myself and others being CT'ed (course terminated/failure), too much coffee and cigarettes, close quarters with the same people, cabin fever, no circulation and little sunlight in these dimly lit rooms... no wonder there's a statistic out there about ATC's being alcoholics, it all starts during the training. The only time I have gotten some real deep, uninterrupted sleep is when the class goes out on Friday's and gets just shit-faced. It's only a Friday thing, but it's something I crave to do each and every night, just because when I do it, I am able to sleep more than 5 solid hours, and there are no worries about MANOPS haunting my dreams.

Troubled but aware, scared but fearless, confused yet confident, informed yet unsure, gassy (cafeteria food is killing my gut) but regular. Talk about mixed emotions.

So as i finish my 4th 20oz mug of coffee today, it is 8pm, i have 3 more hours of studying to do, but i will only be able to do an hour of it because, after that hour, i lose focus and nothing makes sense anymore. Then i sit in my bed, in my stale room, i look at my plant i bought for 5 dollars, turn on the TV, set my alarm, and try to fall asleep for 3 more hours. I often wonder to myself why this grey area is here, 3 hours I'm not using to study, 3 hours i'm not using for sleep. I just hope that it settles out into black or white area sometime soon.

Signing off, future ATC,

Curtis